I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
