Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize