he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Help. Why am I so naked?
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