The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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