Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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