Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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