you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
