The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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