I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
