I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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