i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
