There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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