Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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