Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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