The maid of honor just puked.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
