Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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