It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
