she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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