remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
