Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
