My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Randomize
