I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize