He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize