I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
