No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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