More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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