Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
