When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
