If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
