He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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