I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
