just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
