Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
