did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
