wanna go halves on a baby?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
