Jerry, you need to find god
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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