Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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