did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
