life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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