barbara walters just said penis...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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