I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
