My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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