why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
