I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
