There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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