You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
