Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Randomize
