Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
