i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
