I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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