gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
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