I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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