My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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