Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
