i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
