you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
