I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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