so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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