I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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