I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
