If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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