So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
